This is a crucial phase. When you start showering a parent with love after years of conflict, they will test you. They will try to provoke the old you back into existence. My mother brought up a fight from 2015. She mentioned my ex-spouse. She pushed every button she could find.
Furthermore, attachment theory suggests that parents who receive consistent, predictable warmth from their adult children (even if it feels forced initially) will often lower their defensive reactivity. In plain English: Your mother nags less when she isn't starving for your attention.
The fix is not self-annihilation. The fix is loving your mother without losing yourself . If you want to try this experiment yourself, here is the protocol that worked for me: after a month of showering my mother with love fix
Do not show up with a parade and a ten-page apology letter. Call for 10 minutes. Stay for one hour. Incremental consistency outranks explosive grandiosity.
On Wednesday, I visited her house. She had cooked a casserole that was too salty. The old me would have made a joke about her salt shaker having a hole in it. The new me ate the entire portion and said, "This reminds me of when I was a kid." This is a crucial phase
But after a month of showering my mother with love, I realized that waiting for the other person to change first is a recipe for a lifetime of silence. The first seven days were excruciating. Showering my mother with love felt like wearing a wool sweater in July. It was itchy, forced, and unnatural.
Your mother will tell you about her neighbor's cousin's dentist appointment. She is not trying to bore you. She is trying to share her world. Nod. Ask one question. "What happened next?" is a magic phrase. My mother brought up a fight from 2015
"Thank you for driving me to soccer practice even though you were tired." "Thank you for staying married to Dad when it was hard." Gratitude for the past neutralizes resentment in the present.